attalal

First it was off to the Roseville cop shop this morning and there I did the predictable. Nine o’clock in the morning on Thanksgiving Day and I’m wondering if I should try to go to the A.A. meeting tonight. At least I have one that I can walk to. A bad football game will be played today by a not-so-good team. I work at eleven o’clock tomorrow morning. I am considering working out a lot more and I want to get a good idea as to what kind of shape I’m in now so I can compare it to how I’ll be in the future after I’ve made some progress. Things with the shrink are going well. I’ve been watching the new Star Trek movie a lot lately. I like it a lot and I can’t wait for sequels. The brand new printer I just bought doesn’t work and I have to take it all back and this annoys me. I have it all boxed up and ready to take back but, since I have a restricted license, I’ll need to find somebody to give me a ride to its destination first. I have nothing else to do otherwise. I was actually considering writing this entire entry with no punctuation at all. I don’t know how that would have come across. Like I want attention or something? Car ride last night with a friend I enjoyed it a lot. I like good friends. I really would like to see Aphex Twin come out with a new album. I think I’m becoming a decent-sized Lady Gaga fan.

So I walk into Art Van to deliver a pizza. I call first because nobody provides us with sufficient info to find them. I get there and I wave down a larger black lady. To which she says, "Why you got to wave at me? Is it cuz I'm the biggest one here?" The desk erupts with laughter. I said no. "It's because you were most likely to see me." Then finally Nancy, my customer, arrives. She says, "Is that Jet's?" with a thick Eastern European accent. I said yes unsure as to weather or not she meant her question meant to confirm to me that this was her order. I asked her if she was my customer and she said, "Why? Do look like I do not eat pizza?" (A real obnoxious sense of humor) More laughter as I apparently have become the subject of all this talk there. I said, "Well, what you said didn't confirm you as my customer." Yet more laughter. She tips me 2.50 and I walk out just happy that the experience was over.

Am I really that funny?

The premier of the series remake of V was last night and in this ONE episode they've already established that they are reptilian, that there's a resistance movement and that one of the visitors is part of it.  I'm guessing it took way more than one episode of the original series to get all this out.  The need for instant gratification is ruining TV.

I remember when Lost first aired.  A lot of people lost interest in the show early on because they weren't being spoon-fed.  It's their loss.  Patience is lost virtue.  

Took a delivery to a credit union I had never been to before.  40mph traffic, couldn't quite see the addresses on the buildings as they were more than fifty feet from the road.  I noticed my address and had to quickly make a left into the lot so I got into the left-turn lane.   It wasn't rush hour so the cars were coming in chunks of five to ten.  I realized too late that the driveway I was about to pull into was marked EXIT ONLY by more than one sign.  I had another delivery in the car that was for a specific time.  I saw that the lot was sparsely populated and it was a long way off before anybody was going to make a right turn into the lot but I waited for an extra long gap to be courteous.  I executed the left, found an empty spot and idled towards it.  I felt that self-consciousness in front of anybody who might have seen me, like that "I did something wrong and you saw me do it" type of feeling.  I parked, went inside and the lady at the front desk contacted my customer.  As I waited, an elderly lady entered the building, walked up to me and with a ghastly, wide-eyed expression asks me if I was aware that I had turned into the lot illegally.  "Do you realize that the consequences of that could have been disastrous?"  I said, "Yes and I'm sorry if I caused any trouble."  I could see it in her face that by the time she had stopped speaking, she turned off.  She held up her hand and patted the air in front of my face as though she was done with me giving her a hard time.  It was obvious that it was only important to her that she got out what she wanted to get out and demonstrate her moral superiority.

Stuff like this irritates me (it shouldn't bother me but it does) because, since I had my first job, older adults and the elderly always looked at me as though I was the dumb kid, the dumb teenager.  So I went to lengths to avoid being stereotyped in that way because nothing burned my soul more than that.  So I set out to do two things, know what I was doing and know what I was talking about.  That took care of things on my end.  The rest was up to them.  This is when I became aware of cognitive dissonance.  No matter how much I worked at it, they would still treat me that way.  I learned that I couldn't change what people thought.  Through that humility I tried to forge as evolved a moral stance as I could (does that make sense?).  I guess I can see that the realization of not having a lot of time left makes one more ballsy and less reluctant to give people a piece one's mind.  I sympathize with the elderly as much as I can and a failing physicality must suck.  But it's the attitudes I can't stand.  I suppose this is why a friend of mine gets on me about being down on old people.     

I'm thinking about filtering these posts heavily.  Anybody who wants in, let me know. 

now you know
this is what it feels like

I don't want to do anything ever again. 

My weekend ended in not-so good ways.  I have wonderful friends and their support.  I'm very grateful for them.  I hope all of you are doing well.  I've been humbled.  

Yeah, I was a whiny little bitch last night.  Was it enough to end a friendship?

● Isolating - It's lonely as hell but sometimes I think it works for me.
● I make choices in my life as though I am never going to die.
● I read recently that sleep-dep can treat depression.
● I compare myself to others way too much.
● Little things can stick with me for very odd reasons.
● I hate being angry.

OMG Yelle rules!!

I like small-breasted women.  There.  I said it.  

Why would a chick do this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITBfwhp8XMY&feature=fvw

I wish he would have laid into her harder. 

I've been hiding for years.  I've been hiding from life.  This really hasn't become more clear to me than in the last few weeks.  I've given myself too much time to think and second-guess things.  I'm lucky to be where I'm at, really.  At times like these I usually invent reasons to keep hiding.  My old wars are over.  I have vantage point and a clarity that I've never had before.  I can't make any more excuses.  I've become too honest for that.  There's a new, budding sense of self-worth.  I want to see what I'm made of now.     

To make things perfectly clear, Roman Polanksi drugged and anally raped a 13-year old child. That's all you need to know. He was 42, she was 13, and he gave her a quaalude, refused to take her home when she asked, then fucked her in the ass. It doesn't matter if her mom said it was ok, it doesn't matter if she looked older than 13, it doesn't matter if he's a brilliant director. He stuck his dick in a 7th grader after he drugged her. End of story. You can justify it or reconcile it however you want to make the case for letting this sexual predator go, but then I'd call you a fag and kick your teeth in. Samantha Geimer is the victim, not Polanski. She only wants the case dismissed because she just wants this to be over. Much like how I want Grey's Anatomy to be over.

Feeling very vulnerable right now. 

Some of the most beautiful lyrics ever sung...

IF I COULD JUST BE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE TO YOU


The female back-up vocals just slay me on this song.